last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
