He disabled his match.com account in front of me
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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