dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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