i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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