So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
