i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
