That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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