I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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