thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
