i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
