It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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