She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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