Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
