did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
try to milk me bitch
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize