a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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