I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
