i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
