My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
