My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
