I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
