Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My pussy is not your playground.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
