I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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