Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize