Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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