Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
