He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
