I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
