Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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