hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
