I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I checked into jail on foursquare
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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