I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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