Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
