There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
