Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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