Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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