Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
