Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
