I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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