New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
