Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
