ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
