I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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