its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she peed on how many people?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize