Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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