When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
