while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
