i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Houston, we have a squirter
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
