I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
