Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
