Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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