Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
