How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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