My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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