WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize