ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
