Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
