3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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