When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
