I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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