I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
